There will always be people who will hurt you. It feels terrible. The terrible feeling might occasionally continue for days. Forgiveness, according to Fred Luskin, Ph.D. ’99 is a fundamentally simple (albeit challenging) approach to feeling better.

According to Luskin, the founder of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects and author of the book Forgive for Good, to forgive is essential to let go of negative emotions or the need for vengeance after suffering harm. You’re letting go of your internal bitterness, hatred, and self-pity over a prior experience, he claims.

Luskin has devoted decades to researching the advantages of forgiving others. He discussed how most justifications for forgiving others are motivated by your personal well-being in a recent Stanford Pathfinders podcast episode. “Stress hormones are released when you think about an injury or wound that you haven’t healed in your mind and heart. It causes distress in the body. You are chronically stressing your body when you recall it frequently, the expert claims. “That comes at a physical price.”

According to Luskin, forgiving someone doesn’t always include making amends with them, but it’s crucial in relationships you want to maintain. “I believe that our culture has turned its attention in the opposite direction, emphasizing the importance of forgiveness in ending relationships. The true places where forgiveness is needed are in marriages, families, workplaces, friendships, and between siblings, he claims. Here are eight strategies to help with that.

Get angry, hurt, and sad.

Grief and rage are normal, healthy reactions to being hurt, according to Luskin. Self-pity is also a negative trait. Furthermore, there is no time limit on how long it should take to process and move past the hurt. “Forgiveness is allowing the unpleasant emotions of anger and sadness to enter, and then letting them go because you’re now at peace with your existence.”

Consider whether your rage is empowering or destroying.

According to Luskin, constructive rage helps you react effectively to a threat by energizing you to address an issue right away. Repeated destructive fury yields no fruitful outcome. “Neither you nor the person you are upset with is evolving. In reality, you’re laying down neural connections that increase the likelihood of becoming angry. He claims that if you hold onto your anger for a very long period or if it becomes a habit, it may be harmful to your physical health as well as the people around you. It is an abuse of one of our inherent coping systems, and it has no beneficial effects.

You are not endorsing the offense, so don’t worry.

According to Luskin, one of the most common misconceptions regarding forgiveness is that it entails endorsing the offender’s actions. “In actuality, forgiving something means that you don’t support it. Even if you are aware that it is improper or wrong, you decide to purify your heart. You don’t offer justifications for the actions. Simply accept it and move on. That is a huge difference.

Use relaxation methods to reduce your stress.

Take a few deep breaths, advises Luskin, if a family member says something harmful to you while you’re seated at the table. By using stress-management techniques, you may quiet down your body’s fight-or-flight reaction and maintain your composure.

Remind yourself why you want this person in your life.

It’s critical to keep in mind the positive things that someone you care about has contributed to your life when they behave in a way that is harmful to you but you still want to maintain the relationship, according to Luskin. “People cannot be replaced. You should constantly remind yourself that you only have one best friend, one mother, and one father. According to Luskin, this does not imply that individuals should continue to put up with abuse or remain in an unsatisfactory or toxic relationship. It does imply that if you are harboring resentments, keeping score, or considering methods to hold someone accountable for something they did, successful relationships are difficult to develop and sustain.

Every relationship you’ve ever been in, he claims, “needs some forgiveness to preserve itself.” “Everyone has flaws, and the same goes for our perspectives. Being wounded is therefore inevitable. In order to have fulfilling, long-lasting relationships, we need a system for putting things behind us and making peace.

Set boundaries.

Some mild boundary establishing may be necessary if you’ve been injured by a person with whom you have a relationship. However, Luskin argues that this does not include criticizing, blaming, or disowning others. “Master the art of saying, ‘What you just done is not OK.”

Recognize that you’re telling a story that can be changed.

According to Luskin, a lot of the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves are untrue because our brains are built to protect us from danger. “We oversimplify to highlight the danger. To keep ourselves safe, we fabricate these distortions in our minds. According to Luskin, changing the narrative is the easiest way to forgive.

So, instead of believing the lie that your friend ignored your invitation to her wedding five years ago, which you now hold against her, think about the possibility that the two of you were going through a difficult time and that, while she may have erred, she did the best she could.

Make yourself the hero.

According to Luskin, blaming your current problems on something that happened in the past is a strategy for victimizing yourself. As an illustration, he says, “If I say, ‘The reason I’m upset right now is that my wife left me three years ago,’ that creates victimhood.” He claims that a more accurate answer would be, “The reason I’m sad right now is because my wife left me; I didn’t have the tools for dealing with it, and in the years afterwards I haven’t figured out how to make peace with it.

There is a kind of heroic efficacy that says, “I have to fix this problem,” when you tell yourself, “The only one who is going to rescue me is me.” I need to learn how to cope with the difficult breakup of a marriage and still find happiness in my life, he says. When you’re able to accomplish that, you develop confidence in your own resiliency. “When one is able to forgive, one is able to manage their life a little better. You feel more confident and less constrained, as opposed to being fearful or confined. The greatest benefit to me personally is certainly that.

If you want to read more meditation information, the links below here belong to you:

Deeply Breathing: How it reduces your stress

Mindfulness Meditation: What you should know

Meditation For Kids: The best age to start meditating